Life without limits...

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 04:05:51 GMT

Hi, whats new?

So I finally got how I felt down in words.

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 06:28:53 GMT

This is what I sent to my boyfriend via wall posts on Facebook at 2am.

I know what is causing my chest pain. Last time I felt chest pain like that was when my trust/heart was broken. Now I figured it all out, I am having those pains again because you are mending everything back together.

Every trust that I had in a 'best friend' or someone I looked up to and whatnot that was shattered because of my ignorance... you are helping bring the pieces of me back together again and it just feels so surreal and frightening that I sometimes just step back and try to think of what in the world is going on. Being with you is changing me.. rapidly. But, it's changing me back to who I was and also helping me to find my true self.

I can not speak when around you, I only stutter. I built up this shell over the years of grotesque comments and unheard of antics that I had hoped would get me through life on a free ride of some sort. Ya' know.. pain free, thought process free. I could sweet talk my way out of anything. Write anyone I thought I cared about a sonnetthat would make them cry. But with you, I can't begin to express my feelings. I have never worn my heart on my sleeve, it has always been in my mind. Being clever and trying to dish out the charm in hopes of nailing someone who really cared about me and loved me for me. So I met you and now I just.. I can't express how much you mean to me at all. I have been trying but.. I just can't.
I can make love to you and buy you as many things as I want.. but I just can't come up with any intelligent or more simple way of putting any of this into words. Not even saying those three words in every fucking language under the sun mean anything compared to how much I truely do feel about you. Now, I don't know if I am making much sense right now and quite frankly I don't care. Because right now at this very moment I have written the most lengthy thing to you expressing how I feel and at this point I should really just delete all of this and just say:

" ".

Because that, Nathaniel Lee Walters.. is how you make me feel.

For once and for most..

speechless. <3

I love him. End of story.

Update on myself as of now.

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 21:14:15 GMT

I just went through and skimmed some of my previous posts over the (very few) years. I like to think that I have matured quite a bit, but no one ever really matures.
The other day my english teacher acknowledged me in the what the fuck are you on sort of sense. Usually she finds me to be rather intelligent compared to my classmates. Whom of which I can only describe to be dumber than a box of rocks, heh. But in all seriousness, some standard students have street smarts.. some don't even have that. Anyway- It went like any other day, after sleeping in Intermediate Algebra, I stumbled into English, complained about how cold it was to myself, then read what the agenda was for the day on the dry erase board. We were to be discussing peer pressure and our beliefs. I immediately told her that I believed in nothing, but nothing was something. I proceeded with how the imagery we see daily was just a silk screen in our peripheral vision. That everything was wrong and right at the same time, nothing mattered but everything was felt one way or another. She had me tell the whole class my theory.. some agreed, others made outbursts of saying I was on crack. That got a chuckle out of the class, which is what my classmate was aiming for. We then wrote about it and that's that.
Currently I am dating this wonderful boy named Nathan. He is sweet and charming, we argue a lot but not over our relationship. Most of it is us defending our friends or ourselves at work. Every time I get mad enough to brake up with him I can't and then he holds me and I am immediately putty in his arms. I don't agree with this and yet seemingly I don't have the will power to do anything about it. The relationship is going strong for 2 and a half months so far.. we are happy I guess.
Work is alright, I got my raise when I came back from San Francisco and am now about to get another 50cent raise when I am promoted to expo trainer or whatever.

I miss the days of holding my best friends hand and screaming out into the abyss of choppy water and cold air with music in the background. I need to go for a long walk somewhere new.

Can ya dig it?

Having a car../ update

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 13:16:09 GMT

Salutations-

I have not been keeping up with this in a very long time and you have the right to slap me for that. :(

I got my license on the 23rd of March; I don't drive as much as I thought I would. I take people home from school (which is really starting to piss me off when my friends ask if I can give their hoe a ride), I go to work, I get food and run errands. Don't do much hanging out. I really want to spend time with my pup though, take her to the beach n' all. Haven't been able to do that because I'm always working.

I have been wanting my parents around more often, more somy dad. All I eat is Crispers food.. a good meal is hard to come by. I just feel malnurished a lot these past few weeks.. quit smoking, picked it up even heavier than before again. Stress at work. Not really much to say.. about whats going on.

Any questions?

It's only funny if

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 14:45:24 GMT

You've played Half Life.

This is a joke about Half Life 2! Which is a must get for me!

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/headcrabs/

Survey

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 18:43:08 GMT

IN YOUR MYSPACE:

1) Is your display name from a song?: no
2) Do you have 100 or more friends?: yeah
3) Do you have pictures of yourself?: yep
4) Do you get 1-3 comments every day?: it depends
5) Do you have a song?: yes, Andrew Thompson is AMAZING!

WOULD YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS:

1) Sneak into a rated R movie?: my friends would, I wouldn't. But i did sneak into a movie with Jason
2) Sleep in the same bed?: Uhm.. if its a big bed sure.
3) Rob a bank?: If we didn't get caught.
4) Team up together and kill someone?: plans to jump this one emo kid at school are in effect as of Friday.

IN YOUR ROOM:

1) Do you have a wood floor or carpet?: carpet
2) Are your walls painted bright colors?: nope, white.
3) Do you have artwork hanging up on the walls?: yep
4) Do you have clothes on the floor?: yesh
5) Do you have stuffed animals?: yeah
6) Do you have a hidden stash of candy in your room?: yes

WOULD YOU EVER:

1) Would you ever sing a solo?: only when I am alone
2) Take an hour-long shower?: longer
3) Make a mean myspace for someone you hate?: could you even imagine having that many email addresses?
4) Spend all night on homework?: done it

DO YOU LIKE:

1) More than one person?: uhm..
2) Daisies?: they're alright.
3) To paint your fingernails?: not really
4) Music?: I love music, doesn't everyone?
5) Black raspberry ice cream?: uhm.. no
6) The beach?: in the winter
7) Cats?: i shnuggled wiff a kitten the other day!!!! ^_^

NOW:

Is your hair up?: nope
Is your phone right beside you?: whoa.. oddly enough my cell phone is- just took it out of my pocket.
Do you have a bf/ gf?: nope
Do you miss someone?: not as much as I should. but it doesn't matter to me anymore.
Do you wish you were somewhere else?: yes
Do you have plans for tonight?: photo shoot at Mount Dora ^_^
Are you wearing makeup?: no
Are you wearing chapstick?: nope, hate the stuff
Are you cold?: no
Are you tired?: no
Are you excited?: no
Are you watching TV?: no
Who's the last person you IMed?: I do not remember any aim conversation of two days ago.
Who's the last person that called you?: called Jessica back

PAST:

Recently done anything you regret?: still trying to figure it out
Ever lied?: yep
Ever trip over your own feet?: mhm
Ever had your nails done?: no
Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?: yes, that was an odd turn out.

LAST WEEK:

Have you cursed?: fuck yeah
Have you yelled at someone?: wanted to
Have you cried?: no comment
Have you called more than 3 people?: yeah
Have you IMed more than 3 people?: i dont remember

Crazy night...

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 04:25:35 GMT

"Ay man... I nee'jew to feel me-"
"haha- what..?"
*makes weird motions with lips/eyes for ten seconds* "ha- head."

MAKE LAZY TIME!

PS- GOW2 comes out in March. ^_^

What now?

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 22:53:41 GMT

PS- I woke up at 9:30am today and went to school at 10. Congratulations to me who is slacking three days into the year.

Boobies.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 02:18:26 GMT

The greatest pair of tits walked into Ultra Luce last night as AJ and I were leaving.

AJ: "What are you in love with them?!"

School Schedule

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 16:59:01 GMT

01- Algebra2 Ms Shelley
02- Journalism4 Mrs Burd
03- Anatomy Mr Miessau
04- Art 2D Ms Miller
05- American History Mr Morgan
06- English3 Mrs Lazar

My locker is downstairs G. Next to the main hallway.

AND HAPPY BIRFDAY TO MISS NORA LITVAK!

To each their own

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 01:08:34 GMT

And to each two phrases.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

and

Fucking stop it.

Fuck plans.

Status.

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 23:19:15 GMT

My wrist hurts.
Covered for Mark last night.
Going in to my other job at 9pm tonight until probably 2am or later..
Work at Ultra Luce tomorrow at 3pm.
Might be working Tuesday, might not.

Turns out that even though I'm working a lot my mind still causes trouble.

PS. I fucking love my job!

I work now..

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 14:58:26 GMT

I work at Ultra Luce Ristorante Italiano- I would suggest you come and try the food because it is awesome but you most likely wil not be able to pay for it. My parents said it cost themm $100 for the two of them. So.. yeah.

I have work Thursday (opening night), Friday, and I told Mark (co-food runner) that I'd take his shift for him today. I should have Sunday off, Monday I work, Tuesday and Wednesday I might be either working at my mothers shop doing screen printing or just nothing. So give me a call. I work Thursday and Friday again.. so just call and if I don't answer I am most likely working and we can't have anything with us.. so leave a message and I will call you back, alright?

Well.. off to go wash my work clothes. Then go to work.

My body hurts.

In spite of everything..

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 22:22:18 GMT

It's going to be okay.

Kinetix is open as of 2pm today.

I still don't want to believe it- it hasn't really hit me even as of now. I have been to KX and left flowers, I have cried over the news, I have talked to friends who also are grieving over this news.. and yet for some reason I think going to KX tomorrow I will see her smile as I walk in the door and she'll greet me as she always greeted me and I would ask her how everything was and then play a game or play Mad Libs with Mylett or someone..

A bitter feeling caused a tragedy.. A tragedy many are living with but don't want to believe probably.

For some reason I feel like she will still be there..
I know she'll still be there..
Her smile so sweet..
Her laugh so soothing..
She's not coming back but she is still there.

...why?

fuck..

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 02:51:42 GMT

Man sought in shooting of couple

June 25, 2006

Oviedo -- Seminole County sheriff's detectives are looking for a man thought to have shot and killed his former girlfriend and wounded her current boyfriend outside her home early Saturday.

Darren J. Bridgeman, 34, is suspected of shooting Tracy Bennawit, 33, and Adam Strickland, 26, as they arrived at 2002 Willingham Road, Oviedo, a sheriff's spokesman said. A 14-year-old with the couple at the time was not injured.

Bennawit died at the scene. Strickland was airlifted to Orlando Regional Medical Center and was listed later in stable condition.

Bridgeman, who has a cleanly shaven head and speaks with a British accent, was thought to be armed and dangerous, the spokesman said. Anyone with information about Bridgeman can call the Sheriff's Office at 407-665-6650 or CrimeLine at 1-800-423-8477.

Greg K. Miller and Martin E. Comas of the Sentinel staff contributed to this report.

I heard it from Toler..
That's just not something you expect to hear- ever..

I wish I would of gotten to know you better Tracy- never did get to thank you for helping me on my Bio exam that day. Much love. RIP.

Day spent on You Tube

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 19:25:30 GMT

It is my public duty- to make this public.

This girl I thought was cute as all hell- watched the video and my jaw dropped. After it was over- I still have no idea what reaction I am suppose to have. Regardless- this is not me.
I AM NOW ON A QUEST TO FIND HER MYSPACE! SHE IS SOSILLY! God.. wow

Happy Fathers Day!

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 15:51:30 GMT

My parents are mad at me because I decided to go shopping yesterday with David. I left the house with $86 around 3pm, came back home with $11 around 2am.
Ended up buying God of War, some throwing knives from the new asian store near Spencers, and a pretzel. Went to Best Buy afterwards and bought the second and third LOTR DVDs for my father for fathers day. Then went to Davids house, helped him clean his room, and then ate Wendys and went to a movie with his family, then we ate at Steak n Shake and then he took me home.

My mother bought my father two photo shop guide books for me to give to him- I hate when she does that because it's not really from me. So I gave him the two DVDs with it. I thought my dad might like the knives because they have a beautiful blade and color to them so I took them out and showed him.. he started with "Why did you get these?" and then mother decided I am no good with money. So she is forcing me to take the knives back and she took all of the money I had left. What she said was "You don't know how to spend wisely and next you're going to be asking for money to go eat dinner or play pool!" Taking away my money isn't going to help because now I have no money to get food or see a movie with.. once again. So of course I am going to have to ask for money.

She also hates my big chain necklace so I took it off and am wearing these thin ugly white gold flashy chains she bought for me..

A refined young lady is something I will never be, it's about time she needs to give up.

Whatever.. it doesn't really matter because I start school Tuesday and the only thing I'll need is a pen and paper. Which I already have.
If I end up not getting a free new phone Monday, oh well.

And mother just blamed me for the mess in the bathroom that the dogs did... Why the fuck would I rip up my own tampon and toilet paper and leave it all over the place?! But serisouly.. I think Chrissy ate half my old tampon.. which worries me a little.. but I am on the brink of laughter if it really happened.
Stupid dog.

PS. HAPPY BIRFDAY PAUL AND JORDAN!

Humidity

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 18:53:38 GMT

It's humid in my house for some reason.
Heart hurts.
Need a hug.
Want to go play pool.

Mythology!

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 00:04:44 GMT

So I have been hearing all these people (James, David, and others) telling what games I might like. I mainly play GTA everyday- so an rpg game with no limits would be awesome. But I want something with a story to it and have it not be like an anime game- ya' know?
So I thought of what my interests are.. and looked up games with Mythology in them.. and came accross God of War, which I am planning to go check out pretty soon. The story seems completely topsy turvy but you get to battle creatures like the Cyclops, Medusa, and even Scylla! ^_^
Also David told me about the new game The Godfather which I would probably enjoy.

This week- weekend- whatever- has been pretty good. I slept last night finally and watched Chronicles of Narnia this afternoon. Today was just a lazy day for me which is always fun - did some laundry, made yum yums, and played video games.
I find that with Toler not in town at the moment.. and James and Rachel elsewhere.. leaves limited things to do. o.O

Today is James' birfday and I know I wont be able to get a hold of him because the boy turned 21. So I shall see him tomorrow I suppose.
HAPPY BIRFDAY JAMES

Might be house sitting this weekend again- fun stuff.
Drivers Ed starts this coming Tuesday. Then Arizona on the first of July till the fourth.. After all of that school kind of.. starts, I guess.
Forgive me for sounding lame- I miss school. I actually only miss Mrs Burd.. Lake Mary High can go to hell.

Take care kids.

Devil Day!

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 15:23:09 GMT

HAPPY 666 KIDS!

It was actually nice..

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 15:05:15 GMT

Had dinner with the family at Bennigans last night. But before that happened mother, father and I went to the mall because mother wanted shorts. So as we walked in I went through the little boys section and found a shirt that said "Have you seen my goat?" and a few other shirts that made me chuckle. Had a long chat with the guy who worked there. Walked downstairs for mother to try on clothes.. Right then my father decides to tell me his master plans to ~~take over the world~~ make a "Pimp my Ride" power point. I burst out laughing and almost smacked some guy walking past me. Then we spent some time talking about the Blue Collar shoe on Comedy Central that was on the other night. We brough up those words they say and define and then we tried to see if we could use them in a sentance. Oh, we also made a huge obnoxious deal about these pants that were on display inside out. The sales lady tried to explain it to us but we decided to just be complete assholes and contridict her the whole time. Finally she got it and started laughing too and agreed that it was pretty stupid. 'Cause uhm.. for a minute there we almost were thrown out. heh
Mother finally bought some things.. I went back and bought my Have you seen my Goat? shirt. Had a debate of whether or not I had ever been to Bennigans for about fifteen minutes. Got there and confirmed I had never been there because I kept saying it was really small. The bar tender kept staring at me and then pointed to his chest and winked- I think it indicated "nice shirt" because I was wering the grey, black, and orange Pink Floyd shirt.. I sure hope so. Sat down, ate.. talked to my uncle mostly about strange things. Which was kind of funny because he was across from me so I had to speak loudly.. Everyone heard our conversation..

Stayed at home tonight to talk to Dylan, plus both my phones died- so no one could reach me anyway.

I think today I'll go to Rockys or someplace. I really want to play some video games/pool and go have lunch and discuss Quantum Physics.. Which I still haven't done because my dad wont listen to me about it. Still.

Take care kids, let me know if you want to hang out. I can do anything up until Sunday.. Just have to be back at this house in the morning to feed/walk the dog and around night to do the same. House sitting is fun.

Take care.

So..Quantum Physics?

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 19:53:36 GMT

I really want to discuss quantum physics with someone over lunch or something.
My dad is in disbelief and is completely ignoring my insane babble which I think is rediculously important.
Conversation on this?

It's kind of sad.
..now he is asleep at his laptop.

It all started last night when I went with Toler and Mary to Fastbreaks for some pool and then back to Tolers house to watch What the ~~Bleep~~ do we know? That got me thinking a great deal so I have been researching the topic and different theories.. Toler called me later on around 6am to tell me that the movie was basically a cool flick but based on bullshit- but I still think it has some truth to it and I really want to hear your opinions and such.

I'm wearing a beanie and am afraid my brain is being stolen.
My dad is drinking a beer and it is slowly killing me. Second hand drinking from the particles in his burp to my breathing..

I'm so full of shit. Okay, give me your input!

Apathetic Smile

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 00:13:33 GMT

I built a fort last night.
Out of my dirty clothes.
I smiled for a moment and stared into the abyss called my dirty pants.

fun times..

Friends and Foes

Tue, 30 May 2006 16:37:20 GMT

I enjoy hanging out with the people my friends don't like.
I always find them to be the nicest people on earth most of the time.

I think I'll throw a movie party.. I bought five DVDs for $20. Sick.

Turn of Events

Sat, 27 May 2006 05:49:23 GMT

Woman scolds man.
Man flees the drama.
Woman scolds man again.
Man kisses a beautiful girl and knows he will hurt her.
Man feels like shit.
Woman feels like shit.
All feel like shit.
Hakuna Matata.

01. Last Cigarette: about four or five weeks ago - quit.
02. Last Kiss: Four hours ago
03. Last Cry: Uhm.. not sure. Nothing seems to register emotion anymore.
04. Last Library Book Checked Out: English text book..
05. Last Movie Seen In a Theatre: Aeon Flux, I believe.. at the dollar theatre three or four months ago.
06. Last Book Read: Finished? The da Vinci Code. Currently Reading - A Million Little Pieces.
07. Last Cuss Word Uttered: shit
08. Last Beverage Drank: Strawberry Milkshake
09. Last Food Consumed: Cheese fries
10. Last TV Show Watched: The Colbert Report
11. Last Time Showered: 2pm yesterday
12. Last Shoes Worn: flip flops
13. Last CD Played: CCR
14. Last Soda Drank: Dr Pepper
15. Last Thing Written: Work schedule
16. Last Words Spoken: "Alright, Take care."
17. Last Sleep: Yesterday at 3am till noon
18. Last Ice Cream Eaten: Coffee w/ oreo
19. Last Time Wanting to Die: Around August 05 till February 06
21. Last Big Car Ride: Up to NC
22. Last Crush: Mary
23. Last Disappointment: Not being able to get certain music
24. Last Time Scolded: About four or five hours ago..
25. Last Web Site Visited: deviantart.com

01. Piericings: four
02. Tattoos: none- yet
03. Height: 5'8"
04. Shoe size: 9n1/2 to 10
05. Hair color: brown
06. Siblings: sister - Vicki (26)

01. Last Movie Rented: Saw I
02. Last Movie Bought: In America
03. Last Song Listened To: Colin Hay :: Just Can't get over this
04. Last Song That Was Stuck In Your Head: not sure..
05. Last CD Bought: Last CD made was the Verve and the Verve Pipe for Jessica.
06. Last CD You Listened To: CCR
07. Last Person You Called: Adam
08. Last Person That Called You: Jessica

01. You wish you could live somewhere else? Up North or with my sister or in London
02. You think about suicide? Not so extreme as that, but hurting myself a great deal, yes.
03. You believe in online dating: Eh...
04. Others find you attractive: I guess so.. I wish they wouldn't.
05. You want more piercings: a few more..
06: You like roller coasters: NO
07: Cursive or Print: eh.. either one is what you make of it - shitty or beautiful. It's up to who writes it and how they feel at the moment.

FOR OR AGAINST
Suicide - If your life is that bad.. or you think it's that bad.. then by all means go ahead.
Long distance relationships - I find them to be rather beautiful in the means of getting to know the person and not basing the relationship on physical aspects.
Killing People - Got a good reason?
Smoking - Your choice.
Drugs - Your choice.

Thing to do - video games, music, cook, paint, read, etc.
Thing to talk about - history, books, religion, movies, games, romance, etc
Store - Target
Movie - Garden State, and such..
Book - The Da Vinci Code, etc
Show - Six Feet Under
Singer or Group - Carla Bruni, People in planes, Walt Mink
Song - "If you Talk Too Much My Head Will Explode"
Holiday - Eh.. Arbor Day?

HAVE YOU EVER
Lied - yes
Cried over a girl/boy - yes
Got in a fist fight - yes
or yelling fight - yes
Been aressted - in a way..
Broke bones - no
Cheated on a test - yes

NUMBER OF
times you had your heart broken - I broke my own heart twice. I'm clumsy.
times you broke someones heart - Apparently so many times I can even begin to tell you.
times you've been kissed - uhm.. lots?
people you've kissed - no more than five..
drugs taken - weed, X, Z, and regular medicine
people you consider enemies - no one that I can think of
things in the past you regret - picking up smoking, drugs, drinking.. Not ever telling my parents I love them... not talking that certain thing out with my mother.. being too secretive... not getting/asking for help...

Take care kids